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HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."
2.
She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY
APPRECIATIVE."
3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY
ACCESSIBLE."
4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE
INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."
5.
She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."
6. She is not an "AIRHEAD" - She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."
7.
She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED."
8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS"
- She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."
9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."
10. She is not
a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."
11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is "PECTORALLY
SUPERIOR."
12.
She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1.
He does not have a "BEER GUT! ! ! " - He has developed a "LIQUID
GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER"
- He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."
4.
He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."
5.. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONAL
DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS."
6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."
7. He does
not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."
8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST
PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."
9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."
10. He
is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."
11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants - It's "REAR
CLEAVAGE."
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America ,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans, North Georgians and West
Virginians will no
longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES." You must now refer to them as
APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her
out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs
it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry, " the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,"
she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh,
she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!
"You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No,! "she replies. . . . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye.
BEER TROUBLESHOOTING GUIDE
SYMPTOM ; CAUSE; CORRECTIVE ACTION
Feet cold and wet:
Glass Being held at incorrect angle.
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
Feet warm and wet :
Improper Bladder Control.
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about lack of house training.
Beer unusually pale and tasteless:
a. Glass empty.
b. You're holding a Coors Light.
Get someone to buy you another beer.
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights :
You have fallen over backward.
Have yourself leashed to bar.
Mouth contains cigarette butts, back of head covered with ashes :
You have fallen forward.
See above.
Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet:
a. Mouth not open.
b. Glass applied to wrong part of face.
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
Floor Blurred:
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
Get someone to buy you another beer.
Floor moving:
You are being carried out.
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
Room seems unusually dark :
Bar has closed.
Confirm home address with bartender. If staff is gone, grab a six-pack to go and hit the nearest fire escape door. Run.
Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures:
Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
Cover mouth, open window, stick head outside.
Everyone looks up to you and smiles:
You are dancing on the table.
Fall on someone cushy-looking.
Beer is crystal-clear:
It's water! Somebody is trying to sober you up.
Punch him.
People are standing around urinals, talking or putting on makeup:
You're in the ladies' room.
Do not use urinal! Excuse yourself, exit and try the next door down the hall.
(optional)Try to get phone numbers.
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear:
You have been in a fight.
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in:
You've wandered into the wrong party.
See if they have free beer.
Your bedroom is painted gray, has a concrete floor and an interesting steel door. Toilet may be conveniently located next
to your bunk:
a. You're in jail.
b. You're in the navy.
In either case, sleep it off. Hopefully you can get out tomorrow.
Don't talk to your new roommate, and under no circumstances sleep on your stomach.
You are dancing to a Village People song, and your partner is wearing leather chaps:
You're in a gay bar.
Keeping your back to the wall, edge toward nearest exit. Do not accept offers for backrubs.
Your singing sounds distorted.
The beer is too weak.
Have more beer until your voice improves.
Don't remember the words to the song.
Beer is just right.
Play air guitar.
Taxes
Tax his land,
Tax his wage,
Tax his bed in which he lays.
Tax his tractor,
Tax his mule,
Teach him taxes is the rule.
Tax his cow,
Tax his goat,
Tax his pants,
Tax his coat.
Tax his ties,
Tax his shirts,
Tax his work,
Tax his dirt.
Tax his tobacco,
Tax his drink,
Tax him if he tries to think.
Tax his booze,
Tax his beers,
If he cries,
Tax his tears.
Tax his bills,
Tax his gas,
Tax his notes,
Tax his cash.
Tax him good and let him know
That after taxes, he has no dough.
If he hollers,
Tax him more,
Tax him 'til he's good and sore.
Tax his coffin,
Tax his grave,
Tax the sod in which he lays.
Put these words upon his tomb,
"Taxes drove me to my doom!"
And when he's gone,
We won't relax,
We'll still be after the inheritance TAX!!
Accounts
Receivable Tax
Building Permit Tax
CDL License Tax
Cigarette Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Dog License Tax
Federal
Income Tax
Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)
Fishing License Tax
Food License Tax
Fuel Permit Tax
Gasoline Tax
Hunting
License Tax
Inheritance Tax
Inventory Tax
IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax),
IRS Penalties (tax on top
of tax),
Liquor Tax,
Luxury Tax,
Marriage License Tax,
Medicare Tax,
Property Tax,
Real Estate Tax,
Service
charge taxes,
Social Security Tax,
Road Usage Tax (Truckers),
Sales Taxes,
Recreational Vehicle Tax,
School
Tax,
State Income Tax,
State Unemployment Tax (SUTA),
Telephone Federal Excise Tax,
Telephone Federal Universal
Service Fee Tax,
Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax,
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax,
Telephone
Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax,
Telephone State and Local Tax,
Telephone Usage Charge Tax,
Utility Tax,
Vehicle
License Registration Tax,
Vehicle Sales Tax,
Watercraft Registration Tax,
Well Permit Tax,
Workers Compensation
Tax.
COMMENTS: Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago and there was prosperity,
absolutely no national debt, the largest middle class in the world and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house.
The man called his wife's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house.
The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
Subject: Marriage, etc.
My husband and I divorced over religious differences.
He thought he was God,
and I didn't.
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
For
Sale:
Wedding dress, size 8.
Worn once by mistake.
There are two times when a man doesn't understand
a woman:
Before
marriage and after marriage.
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they're wet
and wild,but
when they go, they take your house and car.
The woman applying for a! job in a Florida lemon
grove
seemed way too qualified for the job.
"Look Miss," said the foreman, "have you any
actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well,
as a matter if fact, yes!" she replied.?
"I've been divorced three times."
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask
him if he can
remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have
to
tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation,
"I now
pronounce you man and wife."
Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
All the DNA is the same.
I
was in the express lane at the store quietly
fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped
into
the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to
come
forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would
you like to buy?"
Wouldn't it be
great if that happened more often?
Because they had no reservations at a busy
restaurant, my elderly neighbor and
his wife were told there would be a 45-minute
wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the
husband
said . "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
The reason congressmen try so hard to get re-elected
is that
they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
All eyes were on the radiant
bride as her father
escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the
waiting groom; the bride kissed her
father and placed something in his
hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of
laughter. Even the
priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in
marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
Women
and cats will do as they please, and men an! d dogs should
relax and get used to the idea.
Three friends from
the local congregation were
asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are
mourning
over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful
husband, a fine
spiritual leader, and a great family man."
; Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a
wonderful teacher and
servant of God who made a huge difference
in people's lives."
Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close
enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what
does a million years
mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to
you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
A
man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife
is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and
picks
up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going
crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says
the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
John was on
his deathbed and gasped pitifully.
"Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six
months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath
John said, "I do!"
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something
terrible is happening and I have
to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."
The Rabbi,
very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's
poisoning
me,
what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to
her, I'll see what I can find out
and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke
to your wife. I spoke to
her on the phone for three hours.
You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,
"Take the poison."
Top Ten Re as ons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8.
If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7.
Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6. Your gun will stay
with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3. A gun doesn't as k
, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after
you use it.
And the number one re as on a gun is favored over a woman....
#1. YOU
CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN
Life in the 1500s
>
> Life in the 1500's
> The next time you are washing your hands and complain because
the
water
> temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used
to
> be. Here are some
facts about the 1500's:
>
> These are interesting...
>
> Most people got married in June because
they took their yearly bath
in
> May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
starting
>
to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odor.
> Hence the custom today of carrying a
bouquet when getting married.
>
> Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
house
> had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons
and
> men, then the women and finally
the children Last of all
> the babies. By then the water
> was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the
saying,
> "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
>
> Houses had thatched roofs-thick
straw-piled high, with no wood
> underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
> cats
and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it
> rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals
would slip and
off
> the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
>
> There was nothing
to stop things from falling into the house. This
posed
> a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings
could
mess
> up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung
> over the top afforded
some protection. That's how canopy beds came
into
> existence.
>
> The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy
had something other than dirt.
> Hence the saying "dirt poor" The wealthy had slate floors that would
get
>
slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor
> to
> help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they added more
thresh
> until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside.
A
> piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
> Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
>
> (Getting
quite an education, aren't you?)
>
> In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
>
always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added
things
> to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables
and did not get much
> meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the
pot to
> get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew
had
> food in it that had been there for quite a while.
> Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas
porridge in
> the pot nine days old."
>
> Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
special.
> When visitors came over, they
would hang up their bacon to show off.
It
> was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the
> bacon."
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all
> sit around and "chew the fat"
> Those with
money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid
content
> caused some of the lead to leach onto the food,
causing lead
poisoning
> death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400
years
>
or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
>
> Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt
bottom
of
> the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or
"upper
> crust."
>
> Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky The combination would
> sometimes knock the imbibers out for a
couple of days. Someone
walking
> along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
>
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
> family would gather around and eat and drink
and wait and see if they
> would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
>
> England is old and
small and the local folks
> started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up
> coffins and
would take the bones to a "bone- house" and reuse the
grave.
> When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins
were found to have
> scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying
> people alive. So
they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse,
> lead it through
> the coffin and up through the ground
and tie it to a bell. Someone
would
> have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to
>
listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the
> bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
>
>
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring !
! !
>
> Educate someone...Share these
facts with a friend(See attached file:
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